further

with how many people do you share your mind? i could make out two so far. i call them hamlet and the little girl.

hamlet is a little creature living at the bottom of my ribcage, either wrapped around or curled up within my solarplexus. he is a really fearful, doubtfubl little thing and when he stirs and i ignore him, he turns into a raging beast crushing all air out of me and slashing at my insides. he likes when i talk about him. he likes quiet and solitude. he is most dangerous when he whispers, because then he can turn his voice into mine own so i cannot say who’s talking to me or whether these are my thoughts or his. he always talks about fear and all those things that could go wrong and how you cannot trust anybody these days. sometimes he sounds like my mother.

the little girl doesn’t really have a place inside me, but i can see her when i close my eyes. she lives in a cave, there is a trapdoor as well. i used to push her down that trapdoor even though i know she is afraid down there. i started permitting her the cave. the little girl is a joyous creature. there are a lot of things that she loves, and somehow that makes me happy. she also knows what people need and wants to give that to them. she likes attention, she likes to be the centre of it. she loves having people around her. but she is also extremely capricious. if something does not exactly go the way she wants it, she stomps her foot, crosses her arms and sulks, at best times. at worst times she starts to cry and scream hysterically and tells me that she’s all alone in this world and that no one cares for her, no one cares what will happen to her, that anybody has left her to rot and die. i think she is like a younger version of me living inside me, preserved for some reason. she loves it when i tell her stories.

and there is me, trying to find the balance between listening to them and teaching them that they cannot always have what they want. i can’t make them go away and i refuse silencing them, because that really made it worse. i have to find a way to live with them. naming them and locating them helps a lot. i think there are more, but at the moment i am overextended enough with those two.

what about you out there?

i hate decisions. hate hate hate.

today at work we talked about beckett’s murphy and his cookies. here’s my version of what his problem is: murphy despairs of his inability to overcome his preferences, facing the fact that his preferences limit his possibilities from 120 to 6, and he wants 120, not 6. but having no preferences is not the solution. i know, because i often despair of my lack of preferences. that’s why i hate to make decisions, because how am i supposed to decide anything if i simply don’t care? my roomie says that this lack of preferences is a gift. maybe i’ll try to see it that way.

i wanted to write about entities as well, but i’m too tired right now. so…to be continued…

i allowed my bf to read all this…spooky. he said it was a completely different point of view. when we talk about all that stuff, we are both always trying to walk the line between really and truthfully expressing what we feel and think without being unfair, reproachful or incapable of being critsized. well, in here i don’t really bother because it’s just a moment in time i’m sharing with you out there to whatever outcome.

i like it here. think i’m going to stick around…

a few days ago i flirted with a waiter at the veggie-burgerrestaurant i started to frequent as it is only a few steps away from my flat. that was awesome and i felt good, i was constantly grinning on the way home. but the bad conscience came anyway, and i had a hard time telling my bf. he made fun of me (in a good way).

i am starting to enjoy incidents like that. at the same time i feel anger when i catch myself or others defining the status/value/seriousness of a relationship by the fact whether there is intercourse or not. why is this society so obsessed with sex? why do i consider this a minor incident just because i didn’t make out with the guy? there can be intimacy without sticking some parts of one body into parts of another body!

that’s what i like about polyamory. it has a lot to do with appreciating relationships independent of the question if there is sex involved or not. i don’t have romantic feelings for my roomie, but she is one of the most beautiful and intelligent creatures i ever encountered and it IS really intimate (and kind of hot in a strange way) when i massage her head to help her with the occasional headache. thinking about polyamory has enabled me to see these things and to value them. i try to remind myself of that every time my jealousy strangles me…

distraction. solving the problem. feeling that i’m not alone. being reminded that it’s not really that bad, even though it seems to be. music. singing. being comforted. talking about it. or not talking about it. it differs. sometimes nothing helps. what about you?

When my boyfriend and I started out as a couple, he told me that he wasn’t the monogamous type, that he didn’t like it, held himself unable to live up to it. I said I couldn’t imagine it any other way, so he tried. For one year it worked, then he kissed another girl when I wasn’t there. He told me and I was so hurt. After that we seriously discussed polyamory. I decided to give it a shot. That was about 6 months ago. My boyfriend had two other girls since then. One of them I wasn’t okay with and he knew that, but did it all the same. I’ve had no one. There are other people I am interested in, but somehow I can’t bring myself to go further. It’s like I can’t allow it to myself. The thing is: I stopped believing in monogamy. I want to live another way. But anytime there seems to be a chance, I deny it to myself. I don’t understand why. But I am unhappy. I’m afraid that being monogamous to the bone is something I can’t change, no matter how much I want to. I’m afraid that I will lose my boyfriend over this. What can I do?